2017 was the biggest year of my life. I gave birth to my first child, three months later I lost my mother, five months later found out I was pregnant with my second and that's when I made the decision to launch Bowie Rae- I had nine months.

Ready, set, GO!

I'm not writing this to advertise or celebrate my adversities but rather to attribute all of this, everything I have managed to accomplish, to her voice; still so loud and clear inside my head. I needed to publicly recognise my mother's role in all of this. I probably should have named the collection after her, and in a way I did. Her spirit is all over that coastline I love so much.

This is all in Her memory,

For Sana.

Looking back, 2018 should have been my lay year; the year I sat out on the sidelines and took it all in. Instead, it was my mammoth year, multitasking multitasking! I suppose in a way, I kept busy to distract myself from everything that year was meant to be for me, but more than that, it was now or never. If I was going to launch a collection, it wasn't going to be later, it had to be now.

If I learnt that from anyone, it was her. 

Mum was ruthless, brutal, and so absolutely full of love. She was the momentum behind anything I did, and this was no different. She may have passed on but she was the force behind Her right from the beginning. Waiting was no option, and fear was irrelevant. She would have laughed at me if I told her I was too scared to do this, scared that I wasn’t good enough. She would have laughed at me and then told me to “shut up and do it”.

I won’t romantacise the memory of my mother because that’s just not the truth. She was a hard one; never quick to congratulate or celebrate our wins, instead making us realise that just because we did well, that wasn't necessarily our best. Some people crumble under that kind of love, I thrived on it- it made me competitive in all the right ways.

I know if she were still around she'd be secretly proud. She would have let me know all the things I did wrong and asked me all the wrong questions; questions I wouldn’t have the right answers to. She would have picked on this and that and everything else in between, but I know she would have been championing me through it all; secretly bragging about me and what I had accomplished to all of her friends, without me ever hearing about it. 

She wasn't your average kind of mum, she was a power force desperate to have me be strong within myself. Growing up she saw a self-conscious, passive and very scared young girl. She did everything she could to make me tough; to stop looking outward for all the things I was sure to find within.

She had succeeded.

There were many times, especially with this collection where I had to ‘go my own way’. I couldn’t have done that without the attention of my mother. She was the one, always reminding me when I was too lazy, copping out, cutting myself short, listening too much to what other people thought, comparing myself to others, waiting for the right time, not waiting enough, being too cautious, not being cautious enough. If there was something I wasn’t doing right, she would let me know.

I loved it. The raw truth that she brought into my life was one of a kind. I will never get that kind of truth again.

But, she really did speak to me through this collection. Bowie Rae survived so much because of the fight she instilled into me! And while I know she would have hated so much about it all, just to piss her off that little bit more, I would have named the collection after her. And she would have rolled her eyes and laughed it all off - as if she cared about silly little things like that… but I also know, she would have counted the hours until she was all alone, where it was safe to cry a proud tear or two…

It would be an honour to name this collection after Her, my mother and my strength.

For Sana,

Thank you x


1 comment
by Raea on March 30, 2019

She sounds like she was a very strong woman. My father was very much the same as your mum. I get every word and emotion you’ve penned. Your post has brought me to tears. Well done to you! Onwards and upwards from here my dear xxx


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